so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
