My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
