I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
