Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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