He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize