im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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