I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
