Don't you send me to vm
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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