Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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