I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
