So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
