T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
