just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
