i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize