Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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