I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
