Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
