Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
