I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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