I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
