YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
