I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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