so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
