i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Randomize
