I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize