I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just cropdusted the office
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
