I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
