i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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