I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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