I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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