He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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