so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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