i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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