I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
