you have to choose: penises or morals?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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