I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
