Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
