Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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