I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
