wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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