Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
