The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
