if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
