I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
