I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
