It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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