he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
