birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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