Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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