hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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