you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
