If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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