my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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