im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I wish there were birth control emojis
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
