This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
