my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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