tell your sister to shave her snatch
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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