I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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